Love, Under Construction

10 09 2011

(24 August 2011, 01.09 am)

It’s past midnight. I’m sitting in alone outside of my room, just near the parking lot. Engulfed by the smokes from a burning cigarette and noises from the street, I focus my mind to type words I really mean to say.

It’s been days since I had a sip of love. An emotion I dare not to deal. A word I scare to say or even think. A feeling that has put me in misery, yet I have no strength to resist. Now, with courage I will say it: I fell for a guy. Over a short conversation, over touches where our bodies collide, I let myself vulnerable to love.

After receiving a cold gesture the guy I fell for, I decided to give up. Tortured every time I hear the fence opening or a car pulling in the parking lot, I was longing for him to invite me back to his room and talk. I just want to talk. Listen to his voice while looking into his eyes, guessing if the feeling is mutual.

Feeling rejected, I retreated into a solitude. I pulled myself away and blocked every thought of him that relentlessly tried to creep in my mind and grow hopes, “what ifs”. I realized that it is the best thing to do. I had to let go. A part of me said that I’m foolish; I haven’t tried hard enough or fought brave enough for love. Yet, I decided to give up on this war and take back the control I relinquished.

Because of this feeling, I have let my world to fall into a  labyrinth, where uncertainties are all that linger. I tried to seek my way out, hoping of a triumph when I know for sure it doesn’t exist. I was frustrated and doubt myself of the ability to love or to find love, the one that’s reciprocal. I was afraid that this is it. The love will always be out of reach for me. I was terrified. And I still am.

I will never know if he has feeling for me or he was just fooling around just like the other guys I’ve been with. But I know this for sure: I don’t want to know. I don’t want to seek for answers for they will just lead to confusions and heartbreaks. I will just leave it here and walk away. Was my heart crushed? I don’t know. It was hurt but I know it’ll survive

As I was typing this post, I looked over the fence, far where I can see the lights from a building under construction. I imagine every brick, concrete, cement, are all elements being put together to assemble a majestic creation which will invite awes and admiration from people passing through or seeing it from the inside. I imagine seeing the building as my heart being built, brick by brick, until it perfectly stands high and tall. I imagine every brick represents a moment in my life that constitutes to the whole construction. The top parts can’t be built unless the ones on the below are complete.

As a remedy of the recent failure and hurt, I let myself to believe that the frustrations,  glimpses of love, are just parts I need to endure in order to complete the higher construction.

For now I choose to see it that way. Love will take me to different heights and my heart is under the construction to take me there.

 

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