10 09 2011

(17 August 2011. 12.48 pm)

I was standing in front of my room. It was 12 AM. A half-smoked cigarette on my hand and a mug of cheap instant coffee on my other hand. As I inhaled the nicotine and exhaled the breath of cold mint out from my nostril, I thought of acceptance. The word, the concept, that has been haunting me.

It was not hard, thorough, self-psychoanalysis. It was just a series of ideas. One by another flashing through the spaces within my head.

The trigger? 2 days ago. Someone whom I never known before, whose image now stuck in my head. It was a good night. A really good one. Now, consistent with the storyline of my past and present, cold shoulders are only I have.

That person, or perhaps my own perception of him, is screwing my brain. The main cause: I can’t get him. He’s out of reach. Sounds familiar? Of course it does, since that’s the only pattern of “romantic relationship” that my head and heart ever known. The sickening thought: it’s the only thing that they desire and relish. When it’s not attainable, then it become the thing I desire the most.

When I tried to break down the cause of my tendency in a relationship, I found that acceptance is the very concept that governs my decisions and choices in life.

My whole life, I have been fighting for acceptance. Acceptance from my parents who have to stop thinking that other kids are better than theirs. Acceptance from the boys in my childhood playground who always left me out of every game, made me stuck playing with the girls. Acceptance from the middle school’s basketball team who never let me shoot a ball to the ring. Acceptance from the high school popular kids who have to stop mocking at me. Acceptance from my own self who never think I’m good enough, smart enough, kind enough, trying hard enough.

The non-existence of acceptance has forced me to try harder to fit in. It failed. I eventually tried things out of the mainstream. When other kid bragged about solving complicated math formulas, I tried memorizing lines from US soap operas. When other guys played soccer, I researched on material for debating competition. Not being accepted has made me rise above the others in a different way. But deep down I never feel enough.

Same thing applies when it comes to romantic relationship. I hated myself 2 years ago when I was fat and unattractive. I worked out hard in the gym. I pay real attention to what I eat. All I want is to look and feel attractive, to be accepted by others. Now, after I lost a lot of weight and look better, I still find myself being rejected.


Now, I’m running out of ideas on what should I do to be accepted.







3 responses

19 12 2011

Hi Ko Lucas, my name is Oliver. I know we don’t know each other, but I felt like leaving a comment on your post when I finished reading this post. So, if you don’t like this comment, please delete this comment. I will accept your action since it’s your privilege. 😀

First of all, it may sound cliche but l’amour is not solely about physical appearance. Be grateful for what you have done with your body! You are now slimmer, so it means that you’re healthier, be proud of it and share your stories (if you have any). Besides, I think it is wrong if you hit the gym religiously just in order to have a sweet and long-lasting relationship with your Prince Charming. I could understand that people in our country, especially LGBTs, are more into the physical contact rather than the “true substance” within the relationship. I personally think that you should define your life (including love), and start to love logically. Gay men still use their brain, you know, and I think you should use brain more than your heart. I was like you before and it was totally painful. But since I didn’t want to feel like being lost in the darkness or getting nowhere, I decided to move on by experimenting with my life. It worked.

I’m not patronizing you or being such a dumb ass, but all I can say from what I read is you should love yourself even if you are not accepted by many people. Try to walk around alone, feeling the atmosphere and the noise around you. I know Jakarta sucks, but you have to do it (I tried it before and it worked!), By understanding yourself and having more time to enjoy being alone, I think it can help you a lot.

I wish you all the best and I hope you can enjoy your life more and more! Should you have anything to ask, please feel free to ask 🙂


9 01 2012

Hi Oliver, Thank you for the response. I agree with the points you’ve mentioned. Well, I’m in a better place now, compared to where/when that post was written. I have to admit that the process of “loving yourself” is not a simple nor a short one. I can’t also say that I’m fully embracing and in love with the way I am, but I’m enjoying the process of acknowledging what I have in me and what I should be looking in life. Being grateful is indeed an important part in the process. Anyway, we all have our own demon to fight. Low self esteem may be one of mine. But, in a optimistic tone, I’m sure I’m on my way to victory.

Again, thank you for reading my post and posting a comment. 🙂

10 01 2012

Thanks for the reply, ko! I wish you all the best in your life 🙂 I actually don’t know why but I just feel like supporting you! Good luck and keep praying (if you are practicing religion).. 🙂

you’re always welcome! I love reading your blog because your writing is very impressive…

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