Love, Under Construction

10 09 2011

(24 August 2011, 01.09 am)

It’s past midnight. I’m sitting in alone outside of my room, just near the parking lot. Engulfed by the smokes from a burning cigarette and noises from the street, I focus my mind to type words I really mean to say.

It’s been days since I had a sip of love. An emotion I dare not to deal. A word I scare to say or even think. A feeling that has put me in misery, yet I have no strength to resist. Now, with courage I will say it: I fell for a guy. Over a short conversation, over touches where our bodies collide, I let myself vulnerable to love.

After receiving a cold gesture the guy I fell for, I decided to give up. Tortured every time I hear the fence opening or a car pulling in the parking lot, I was longing for him to invite me back to his room and talk. I just want to talk. Listen to his voice while looking into his eyes, guessing if the feeling is mutual.

Feeling rejected, I retreated into a solitude. I pulled myself away and blocked every thought of him that relentlessly tried to creep in my mind and grow hopes, “what ifs”. I realized that it is the best thing to do. I had to let go. A part of me said that I’m foolish; I haven’t tried hard enough or fought brave enough for love. Yet, I decided to give up on this war and take back the control I relinquished.

Because of this feeling, I have let my world to fall into a  labyrinth, where uncertainties are all that linger. I tried to seek my way out, hoping of a triumph when I know for sure it doesn’t exist. I was frustrated and doubt myself of the ability to love or to find love, the one that’s reciprocal. I was afraid that this is it. The love will always be out of reach for me. I was terrified. And I still am.

I will never know if he has feeling for me or he was just fooling around just like the other guys I’ve been with. But I know this for sure: I don’t want to know. I don’t want to seek for answers for they will just lead to confusions and heartbreaks. I will just leave it here and walk away. Was my heart crushed? I don’t know. It was hurt but I know it’ll survive

As I was typing this post, I looked over the fence, far where I can see the lights from a building under construction. I imagine every brick, concrete, cement, are all elements being put together to assemble a majestic creation which will invite awes and admiration from people passing through or seeing it from the inside. I imagine seeing the building as my heart being built, brick by brick, until it perfectly stands high and tall. I imagine every brick represents a moment in my life that constitutes to the whole construction. The top parts can’t be built unless the ones on the below are complete.

As a remedy of the recent failure and hurt, I let myself to believe that the frustrations,  glimpses of love, are just parts I need to endure in order to complete the higher construction.

For now I choose to see it that way. Love will take me to different heights and my heart is under the construction to take me there.





10 09 2011

(17 August 2011. 12.48 pm)

I was standing in front of my room. It was 12 AM. A half-smoked cigarette on my hand and a mug of cheap instant coffee on my other hand. As I inhaled the nicotine and exhaled the breath of cold mint out from my nostril, I thought of acceptance. The word, the concept, that has been haunting me.

It was not hard, thorough, self-psychoanalysis. It was just a series of ideas. One by another flashing through the spaces within my head.

The trigger? 2 days ago. Someone whom I never known before, whose image now stuck in my head. It was a good night. A really good one. Now, consistent with the storyline of my past and present, cold shoulders are only I have.

That person, or perhaps my own perception of him, is screwing my brain. The main cause: I can’t get him. He’s out of reach. Sounds familiar? Of course it does, since that’s the only pattern of “romantic relationship” that my head and heart ever known. The sickening thought: it’s the only thing that they desire and relish. When it’s not attainable, then it become the thing I desire the most.

When I tried to break down the cause of my tendency in a relationship, I found that acceptance is the very concept that governs my decisions and choices in life.

My whole life, I have been fighting for acceptance. Acceptance from my parents who have to stop thinking that other kids are better than theirs. Acceptance from the boys in my childhood playground who always left me out of every game, made me stuck playing with the girls. Acceptance from the middle school’s basketball team who never let me shoot a ball to the ring. Acceptance from the high school popular kids who have to stop mocking at me. Acceptance from my own self who never think I’m good enough, smart enough, kind enough, trying hard enough.

The non-existence of acceptance has forced me to try harder to fit in. It failed. I eventually tried things out of the mainstream. When other kid bragged about solving complicated math formulas, I tried memorizing lines from US soap operas. When other guys played soccer, I researched on material for debating competition. Not being accepted has made me rise above the others in a different way. But deep down I never feel enough.

Same thing applies when it comes to romantic relationship. I hated myself 2 years ago when I was fat and unattractive. I worked out hard in the gym. I pay real attention to what I eat. All I want is to look and feel attractive, to be accepted by others. Now, after I lost a lot of weight and look better, I still find myself being rejected.


Now, I’m running out of ideas on what should I do to be accepted.




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