The Box

7 01 2011

 

moving_box17

 

Singapore, Monday, April 6, 2009 at 2:46pm

I distinctly remember what Bree Hodge from Desperate Housewives said to Susan, her neighbor and her best friend when she’s dealing with emotional issues. What Bree usually do is picturing herself putting all of her emotional problems in a box then store the box in a cabinet. After she store them, Bree will act perfectly and elegantly, just like one of those Stepford Wives and pretend as if nothing happened. When she’s not too occupied with her daily activities and can manage to find a time, she’ll open the box and deal with those issues. She’ll open the box, sort the problems, remember them and deal with each and every one of them.

I tried to do that. And it worked. I put aside all of my personal feelings that made me undergo emotional roller coaster and I just buried myself under assignments, paper works, readings, etc. Everything to keep me me busy and stop thinking about my problems. During that hectic time, the emotion and problem didn’t stop bogging me, but my other responsibility kinda overwhelmed me and made the feeling subsided. Last Friday I just submitted my last paper for this semester. I’m free for at least two weeks until exam (well, I need to study, so actually not that free). After I click the “submit” tab, I felt relieved and I think it’s time to deal with emotional issues.

I’m not really sure if now is the right time to deal with those emotions because, well I’m still a bit haunted with the upcoming exam so not really in mood of dealing with personal issues. But I’ve been keeping the feeling for quite some time now, I need to deal with them before I go home. I have a spare time for now and whether it’s the right time or not, we’ll see.

As I opened the closet and start to uncover the box, I felt the rush of feelings. First it was a gentle breeze tickling my thoughts with the happy memories I had last December. Then the stream started to rumble… As I saw that person’s pictures, the messages that person sent to me and also the fact that the person hasn’t replied my message, I felt dead silence filling my room and my thoughts. Silence was filling my head and heart. I’m tired of hoping. I’m tired of telling to myself and my friends that I’ve moved on. I’m tired on waiting for that person to call me, text me, or whatever way to contact me. Tears didn’t fall as I’m contemplating through my thoughts. I just felt tormented, disappointed, ashamed, hurt deeply… All those joy I had, the tears I shed, the laughter that we had, the smile I saw on that person’s face, the decision I made, the farewell, the waiting, the chats, the anger, the insecurity, all the pain! They are all unbearable. Then I stopped. I just can’t do it.

After all this time, I thought two months were enough, but I’m wrong. Now I’m putting the box inside the cabinet again. I put it far at the behind. I will close the cabinet and walk away with scars all over my chest.

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