The Ghost of the Past, the Present and the Future

3 01 2011

Friday, September 18, 2009 at 8:35pm

I was just sitting in front of my desk as I watched every drop of water fell from the cap after the jug was filled with hot boiling water. It was still early in the morning and I needed coffee. I was just looking aimlessly to the jug and not a single significant thought I recalled having at that moment. Nevertheless, I felt a surge of emotion swelling up and filling my chest. It’s the same emotion I’ve been feeling for quite some time. I don’t know whether it’s the same emotion I’ve been suppressing or maybe never even faced it, was it a new set of emotion that resembles the old ones, or was it just the caffeine reaction I had from a big mug of coffee. All I know is the pain was pressing my chest again like I used to experience. I felt anger, rage. I felt disappointment and regret. I felt shame and embarrassment. I felt sad and lonely. F*ck.

hotcoffee

After I let my mind go wreaking havoc in its own dimension, I cooled down and pondered why these rush of feelings came uninvited? Was it because of last night’s rendezvous? Was it just an anxiety I felt after meeting my professor? Dunno. The reasons, I guess, are all mixed up and every events happened yesterday took part in building the rage and anxiety. At that moment I, aside from cursing, wished that things can just go back the way they were eight months ago. Make it nine considering it’s almost the end of the month. Nevertheless, as it is utopian, things can never go back the way they were.

That is one of the things I’ve finally learned to realize for the past several months. Hearing that sentence makes me feel like being hit by darts right on the scars I have in my chest. Well, I’m not a really a person who lives in the moment. I linger on past and hold on unto the hopes of the future. Thus, when talking about pasts, the phrase that will often pass through is ‘what if?’. I can’t say that I’m not grateful for everything I have now and also what I had in the past, it’s just… I still feel that I’ve lost the best things I had in life. Love, opportunity, knowledge, time, a lot of things. When I made the decision to go, I thought that when I come back, I’ll just have to adjust myself for a while and then things will go back as the way they were. But they never did.

I hit rock bottom several times trying to revive what I had on the past. I forgot that I have a present to live in and future waited to be filled. It was not easy. Nevertheless, I refused to give in, so did my friends. They refused to see me sink in so deep and finally dragged me back to life. I managed to survive and learn that things will never be the same. I learned to realize that the past will always live and become an inseparable part of me but it’s my choice whether to live in it, linger on it or moving on just like life keeps on going. By going on, it also means letting go. Stuffs that I keep inside the cabinet of my life will clutter it in the end if I still cling on them and not allowing the cabinet to be cleaned.

Life can never be the same. The grand memories I had will never come back again. Nevertheless, it doesn’t mean that the present and especially the future are not worth living in. It will be beautiful and full of excitements. It will teach new things, bring new people, and more great experiences. I’m not living the life that has completely changed inside out. The remains of my past will become a lesson to guide me in choosing my future but will never hamper me from enjoying the present. I’m now embracing my present, thankful for my past and can’t wait to see the future.

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2 responses

3 01 2011
hanny

this is me; 10 to 1.5 years ago.

3 01 2011
ayruzz

@Hanny: If I haven’t read ur posts then I wouldn’t know that u experienced quite the same thing. Well you look bubbly and happy now *wink*

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