(24 August 2011, 01.09 am)
It’s past midnight. I’m sitting in alone outside of my room, just near the parking lot. Engulfed by the smokes from a burning cigarette and noises from the street, I focus my mind to type words I really mean to say.
It’s been days since I had a sip of love. An emotion I dare not to deal. A word I scare to say or even think. A feeling that has put me in misery, yet I have no strength to resist. Now, with courage I will say it: I fell for a guy. Over a short conversation, over touches where our bodies collide, I let myself vulnerable to love.
After receiving a cold gesture the guy I fell for, I decided to give up. Tortured every time I hear the fence opening or a car pulling in the parking lot, I was longing for him to invite me back to his room and talk. I just want to talk. Listen to his voice while looking into his eyes, guessing if the feeling is mutual.
Feeling rejected, I retreated into a solitude. I pulled myself away and blocked every thought of him that relentlessly tried to creep in my mind and grow hopes, “what ifs”. I realized that it is the best thing to do. I had to let go. A part of me said that I’m foolish; I haven’t tried hard enough or fought brave enough for love. Yet, I decided to give up on this war and take back the control I relinquished.
Because of this feeling, I have let my world to fall into a labyrinth, where uncertainties are all that linger. I tried to seek my way out, hoping of a triumph when I know for sure it doesn’t exist. I was frustrated and doubt myself of the ability to love or to find love, the one that’s reciprocal. I was afraid that this is it. The love will always be out of reach for me. I was terrified. And I still am.
I will never know if he has feeling for me or he was just fooling around just like the other guys I’ve been with. But I know this for sure: I don’t want to know. I don’t want to seek for answers for they will just lead to confusions and heartbreaks. I will just leave it here and walk away. Was my heart crushed? I don’t know. It was hurt but I know it’ll survive
As I was typing this post, I looked over the fence, far where I can see the lights from a building under construction. I imagine every brick, concrete, cement, are all elements being put together to assemble a majestic creation which will invite awes and admiration from people passing through or seeing it from the inside. I imagine seeing the building as my heart being built, brick by brick, until it perfectly stands high and tall. I imagine every brick represents a moment in my life that constitutes to the whole construction. The top parts can’t be built unless the ones on the below are complete.
As a remedy of the recent failure and hurt, I let myself to believe that the frustrations, glimpses of love, are just parts I need to endure in order to complete the higher construction.
For now I choose to see it that way. Love will take me to different heights and my heart is under the construction to take me there.

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